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| CHRETIEN JUST WANTS TO HOLD AND LOVE QUEBEC | CANADIAN AIRLINES FOUND KICKED TO DEATH FOR $2 SHARES | ||||||||||||||||||
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[Ottawa] Prime-Minister Jean Chretien made an emotional appeal to Quebec and Premier Lucien Bouchard, telling them that he would love and respect Quebec if they would only consider not holding another referendum on sovereignity. "I love you guys, I really do. If you would only let me, I would hold you in my arms and tell you that it's alright." Chretien stated in Parliament. The appeal comes after Quebec Premier Bouchard announced plans for yet another referendum. Although the Supreme Court of Canada ruled that any province's succession from confederation would be illegal, Bouchard seems set to go against that ruling. "We can't stay in this relationship any longer." Bouchard told a press gallery last week. "We no longer love the rest of Canada." Prime-Minister Jean Chretien announced plans to make passionate love to Quebec after a night of romantic candlelit discussions. "Perhaps then Bouchard will see the error of his decisions, and all of Quebec will decide that they really do love Canada." |
[Calgary] Canadian Airlines was found brutally kicked to death in the financial district of Calgary, Alberta, early this morning, apparently for a few $2 shares. Police were called to the scene after Federal Transportation Minister David Collenetto discovered the body. "We're not sure of all the details yet." Said Calgary Forensics Investigator Lisa Kvasilo. "But we have a few suspects that we are hoping to question." Police are looking for a notorious member of a gang called ONEX Corporation. The individual's name is Air Canada, and has been described as large, with a multi-layered corporate board and gigantic revenue potential. Police are asking that anyone with any information on Air Canada contact them at their Calgary headquarters. | ||||||||||||||||||
| "Guns Don't Kill, Condoms And The Teaching Of Evolution Do."; Ontario Family Coalition Party | |||||||||||||||||||
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[Toronto] The Ontario Family Coalition Party has released a brochure to secondary school teachers stating that high-powered automatic assault rifles don't kill, it's the distribution of condoms and sex education that do. As well, according to the OFCP, explosives with the ability to destroy every living creature within a hundred yard radius don't kill, the teaching of evolution does. | |||||||||||||||||||
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